I don't want to die
by 110ellieloveswriting
Summary: "Don't call me that," she snaps "Its RUTH!" "I'll call you whatever i like in my own home." "Fine. Maybe i'll leave then." Fourteen year old Ruth Winters can rely on nobody but herself. From her father who never loved her to her teachers no one ever cared she is well and truly alone. But when will Ruth ever learn that she ISN'T alone and that she just pushes them all away?
1. Chapter 1

_Sometimes i hope for change but it gets worse and worse everyday. Nothing will ever change- i'm not strong enough to get myself out of this rut. Unlike every other fourteen year old i'd rather be at school than at home and the holidays are my idea of hell. I would spend every minute of my life watching the clock if i didn't have work to do. I AM NOT STAYING HERE! I will suceed- i will not be a let down and a waste of space just like the rest of my family._

"RUTHIE!"

"Shit," she murmers, gentally putting down her biro in the middle of the page and brushing behind her ear the curtian of hair that has fallen in front of her eyes. She couldn't face this again, not now, it was too much for her.

"RUTHIE!"

She ignored him. Maybe if she didn't reply then he would just leave her alone. But, as she hears heavy footsteps asending the stairs, her chest falls and she lets go of that last shread of hope.

"Ruthie- OI I'M TALKING TO YOU! Inside again on a saturday night? Do you even have any mates? Why can't you be more like your brother aye? You're pathetic. No wonder no man will ever look at you."

And just like that, something inside off her snaps. The pressure has just been building for so long that it explodes out.

"Excuse me?"she snaps, rising to her feet in anguish "_I'm_ pathetic? I'm not the one who gets his KICKS in making his own children feel small. Yes, i'm inside on a Saturday night but thats only becuase unlike you i want a future away from this dump and i am going to work for it."

A feeling of calm floods her veins as she realises that she is finally in control.

"It is almost the end of the summer holidays and just over a year until i'm sixteen. The sooner i'm out of here the better."

"Well good!" he sneers "Not like i'd ever want you around anyway. Your no daughter of mine. Your a frigid, ugly, cold fish."

Ruth felt her heart pang. Even now, he could still hurt her as easily as ever. But it wasn't over yet

"No wonder your mother wanted out. Couldn't stand to be around you- no one everr could."

"EXCUSE ME!" She screamed "She loved me- she wanted to be away from you just as much as i did! Thats why she killed herself- because of you!"

"You bitch" he growled, his face set into a cold hard mask as his fist swung forward and crushed into his jaw. She gasped with the pain, and just when she looked up at him through her fringe he collapsad.

She looked at him lying there with his mouth hanging open, reasting on her purple carpet.

"Great," she sighed "Just great."

She leant forward, her hand on her jaw, to see if it was breathing when he let out an almightly belch. Ruth straightened up.

"Yep, definatly breathing then." she said, and smiled to herself. She felt wetness on the outside of her hand and only when she put her hand to her cheek did she realise she was crying.

She had to get out of here and quickly- before he woke up. Ruth grabbed her school rucksack an shoved in her revision books, her diary, her phone and a few t-shirts. She then sidestepped past her unconcious and undoubtably drunk father and ran through the front door and down the concrete staircaseoutside stairs. The night wind was so cold and bitter that it almost blew her over. But hen she then stopped dead. It was him.

Ruth dived behind a wall, keeping her breathing as silent as possible. She rested both hands behing her on the cold bring wall, feeling the corse texture. She couldn't here a thing. Maybe he'd gone. Slowly, and cautousily she poked her head around the wall only to see him staring in her direction.

Shit! She pulled her head back. But maybe she was in luck- maybe her hadn't noticed her.

"Ruuuthie!"

Oh god.

"Ruthie!"

She calmly walked out from behind the wall. He was sanding there, smoking a joint with that useless gang of his

"Hey Johnathon."

"You wanna come hang with me and the guys?" he asked casually, his hands shoved in the pockets of his hoodie.

"Come on baby!" Shouted one of Johnathons mates "You wanna come have a drink- come get cosy with me?"

"I'm fourteen!" she said, disgusted.

"Old enough," he shrugged

"You're sick!" she exclaimed and took off in a run, away from them. She wasn't even wearing any shoes- she had been stupid in her haste. Ruth could feel every step she took in the soles of her feet. Even though she knew they wern't following her she didn't pause for breathe until she reached his house and banged on the door franticly.

"Ruth!" exclaimed Tony, and she watched and his expression changed from one of shock to one of joy "What's up?"

Ruth opened her mouth, the words forming in her head, ready to answer him when she burst into tears.


	2. Chapter 2

_Nothing was ever perfect for_ _me, even when mum was alive- but it was better. I always had an ally, someone to talk to, who understood. I needed her there and she left me._

_It was almost a year ago now. Early december- nearly christmas. Mum always made sure that christmases were special; despite having little money and living in my family. The christmas when i was thirteen was the last happy- or even ok- christmas that i ever had. I came back from school slightly late on that day; i'd missed the bus. Now i think if only i'd walked a bit faster... if only i'd tried a bit harder then she wouldn't be... she wouldn't be dead._

_"Mum," i called out as i shut the front door behind me "It's me."_

_I dropped my school sactual onto the floor, slipped my shoes off and wandered into the kitchen where mum would be. She's be sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea and her tanned face would break break into a wide smile as soon as she saw me. She'd stand up and draw me into a warm hug._

_"So," she's smile as we both sat down at the table "how was school?"_

_"Yeah," i'd smile "It was alight. I got my maths test back- i got an a."_

_"Really? oh well done honey, i always knew you were the brains of the family"_

_I'm not going pretend she was the perfect mother and that my life was perfect when she was around beacuse that would be a lie. But i knew that she loved me and that she was the only person who did. Well, atleast i thought she did, i was probablt wong._

_She wasn't there in the kitchen. I wandered into the living room._

_"Mum?" i called "You in?"_

_She'd obviously gone out do the shopping or something, yet i still had an uneasy feeling about it. Her door was open so i didn't see the harm in looking._

_"Mum?" i poked my head around the door "are you asleep?"_

_Something was wrong. Nobody ever lay that still. Was she even breathing?_

_I ran to the bed and put my ear to her mouth. No, nothing._

_"Mum!" i shook her "MUM!"_

_No response. Just nothing. I kept my arm on her sholder as i scanned the room for some sign of what was wrong with her._

_Then i saw it. Pills. Empty packets of pills. Not a few- not three or four there must have been a years worth of pills. She'd obviously planned this- bought thousands of them. How many had she taken? 1000? 2000?_

_I quickly snapped to my senses and grabbed the handset, putting it to my ear. There was no dialing tone. Then i looked down, she'd cut the wire._

_I pulled out my mobile instead, tapping in 999._

_"Hello what-"_

_"Ambulence! Its my mother- she's OD'd on tablets- she must have taken a thousand."_

_"Okay, what tablets were they?"_

_I grab a packet "Panadol extra stregnth."_

_"How many has she taken?"_

_I count the packets. 20 packet and ten pills in each packet._

_"Miss?"_

_"2000. She's taken 2000."_

_I glanced over at her. She was drenched in sweat and lying next to her head was a pool of vomit._

_"Miss?"_

_"Sorry, what?"_

_"Is she concious?"_

_"No- i... i don't think she's breathing! Please, please help me!"_

_"Stay calm, a crew will be with you right away."_

_She must have known it would be me who would find her. Who does that to there own daughter?_

_The paramedics arrived eventually. They checked her pulse, did stuff- it was all a blur. I managed to grab my bag as they wheeled her out and i slung it over my sholder. I rode with her in the ambulence. The paramedics faces were a blur and they kept speaking to me- saying stuff. It could have been french for all i understood. All i could see in my head was her body, lying there._

_The ride passed quickly- before i knew it we had arrived at Holby City Hospital. I took a moment to glance at the sign before i raced after her down the corridor. I made to follow her through the doors but suddenly someone held me back._

_"Sorry, you can't go in there. We're doing everything we can for her."_

_"ITS MY MUM!" I screamed "MUM! MUM!"_

_"Listen here young lady. No amount of shouting is going to change a thing. We're doing everything for her that we can. No, would you like to take a seat. Is there anyone you'd like me to call for you? Parent? Sibling?"_

_I shook my head._

_"No. Theres- theres no-one."_

_"Sure?"_

_I nodded._

_"Okay, well are you going to come take a seat in our waiting area?"_

_I turned to him "What's your name?"_

_"What?"_

_"Your name."_

_"Charlie. Charlie Fairhead."_

_"Well Charlie, i would like to wait here if you don't mind."_

_"Do you really want to see this" he asked._

_"I need to be with her."_

_She never re-gained conciousness. They kept her alive for a few hours but in the end her body just gave out. I burst into tears and a nurse lead me to a seat. Just then my father burst through the doors and ran towards resus._

_"Ruthie!" he shouted at me "What happened?"_

_"She's dead dad, she's dead. Mum killed herself!"_

_He sobbed like a broken man and suddenly i just couldn't take it anymore. I just legged it._

_"Hey!" I heard nurse Charlie call after me "Wait!"_

_"Oh leave her," snarled my dad "she obviously doesn't want your help."_

_But i did. I needed someone to comfort me, but the only person who ever had was gone. I ran to the toilets and locked myself in a cubical. After a few gasping sobs i silenced myself, letting tears fall down my cheeks without i sound. I wasn't weak. I was only crying becuase i couldn't stop._

_I unzipped my bag- rooting through it for something-anything to take the pain away. I unzip my pencil case, it contents scattering across the bathroom floor, a pencil sliding out of my reach and beneth the wall of the adcent cubical._

_I grabbed the compass hard, and rolled up my left sleeve. I pressed down, hard, the pain i could feel making the other sort go away. As soon as i felt the blood roll onto my hand and drip off onto the floor an empense feeling of calm flooded my veins. I was finally okay._

_It felt so good to finally let it all out- even if it was in a cut. I leant my hand back against the wall and cherised the only moments i had where i could just forget. I wasn't weak. Cutting made me strong._


End file.
